remember

i thought i'd post something i wrote a few years ago in honor of september 11 and all the heroes of that day. today, i remembered. i remembered where i was and what i was doing. i remembered where my loved ones were and what they were doing. and i remembered the horrror that this country experienced and witnessed, and the long journey it's been since then. these were my thoughts on september 11, 2006:

"September 11. 5 years. I've had a lot of thoughts going through my mind today. I did that bulletin a little while ago, 'where were you 5 years ago'...this is where I was on 9/11/01.
I had left my 8:00 Psych Stats class early, b/c I hated how the professor taught that class. I went straight to the union, picked a spot and began digging into the reading to teach myself about psych stats. After a while I began to tune into the radio overhead, noticing that there wasn't music playing anymore, hearing some rumblings of a plane, world trade center, terrorist attacks. I quickly packed up my stuff and headed to my apartment to find out what was going on. On my way, my roommate was heading to class and said "Did you hear?", I said "yes" and kept on going. I got home and became glued to the tv, as were my other 2 roommates. My thoughts were immediately with my then-boyfriend, John, b/c he was at the Air Force Academy at the time and I didn't know enough to know what his status would be. I waited to hear from him for what seemed like a long time. When he finally called, he reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere, they couldn't touch him or call him up b/c he was in school. I was relieved.

Fast forward 2 years. I had just moved to Wichita after graduating in May '03. John and I were engaged, he had left the Air Force Academy, and because he was enlisted prior to going to USAFA, he had to fulfill his enlistment. He was stationed at McConnell AFB, here in Wichita. One week after moving here, he breaks the news to me that he's being deployed to Iraq for 6 months. A world of unknowns set in. What was going to happen to him? Will he come home? What will I do here while he's gone? Should I go back home to WI and wait for him there? I was devastated. I felt completely alone. There is little sympathy among military members as far as separation. It's part of the game. You get used to it, or you move on. I honestly did not know what I had gotten into, even though John's first assignment was Germany, I didn't realize what kind of life this would be. I didn't realize we could spend time apart. I didn't realize he could go to combat. I was completely naive to it all. Reality had hit, and it had hit hard.

Most of you know the rest of the story, we got married one week before John left for Iraq, he came home in 5 months, left again for Quatar 6 months after that and spent 4 months there. He's now been home for 2 years and he's one year out of the military, which means he has one more year of inactive duty before they can't call him up at all.

I tried to avoid thinking about 9/11 today. I honestly think about it a lot, because I live in a military community and I work with Veteran's. I went to see World Trade Center a few weeks back. I'm involved with a ministry through my church that reaches out to the military members in our community and supports those that are currently overseas. So I really do think about the after-effects of 911 A LOT. I don't know why I felt like avoiding it today, but it didn't last.

I pulled into the VA today because I had clients at 4 pm, and I am immediately confronted with full-size flags lining every driveway in the VA. Flags set about 50 feet apart, everywhere. It was an amazing sight. I'd never seen so many full-size flags in one place. I immediately stopped the car, and began to tear up. I pulled over. "Well", I said to myself, "I wasn't expecting this." I had no idea I still had so much emotion about this event. I've been confronted with it so much over the last 5 years that I thought I had dealt with it. Apparently, I will never stop dealing with it, and I'm beginning to think that's the way it should be. Although I am not a military family anymore, I don't ever want to forget that feeling.

I heard someone describe saying goodbye to your spouse this way: it's worse than grieving a death, because you are grieving a death that didn't happen. You are grieving a continuous loss, there is no closure. You grieve the time you are missing out on together. Closure doesn't happen until they come home, if they come home.

This description hits the nail on the head. I don't wish that experience on anyone, but I wouldn't take it back. In a world where I didn't know who I was or what I wanted for my life, that experience gave me direction. It shaped who I am today and what I care about.

So as I think about 9/11, I think about the lasting effect it has had on me. Something so evil, with so much suffering, has produced so much growth and learning, and helped me to prioritize what's important. We can ask "Why?", and "How come?" and remain stuck in the emotions that those thoughts produce. Or we can know and have faith that there is a bigger plan, and find some meaning, some purpose that helps us to carry on. If it weren't for the experiences I have had that are directly connected to 9/11, I don't know where I would've ended up. And I have to have faith, that I'm right where I am meant to be."